Hollywood Babylon

Danny: "You're looking good, Riz."
Rizzo: "Eat your heart out."
Danny: "But sloppy seconds ain't my style."

A Dying Breed?

With the announcement of latest pitter patter of tiny feet (presumably attached to one humungous head, if parents-to-be Bennifer II: Electric Bugaloo are anything to go by), celebrity experts are musing whether Hollywood has run out of celebrities. There are some schools of thought of course that there are already too many celebrities. People who think this are weird, stupid, and possibly smell. They base this random ideology on the basis that, if such luminaries as Bai Ling, Kelly Osbourne and Glenn Close can count as celebrities, we're casting the celeb net a little too far and wide (literally, in Kelly's case*). So what's the thinking behind the Ain't Enough Famous Folk complaint?

*I am not above making crass fat jokes.

Don't Go Breakin' My Rules

1. Celebrities can only date fellow celebrities.

2. Theoretically celebrities can date non-famous folk, but it is:
a. Unlikely;
b. Less pretty;
c. Not as fun to mock;
d. Only okay for celebrities to date civilians if said civilian is me**.

3. Because of Bylaws 1 and 2 (and sub-bylaws therein), celebrities are reduced to dating other celebrities' cast-offs. Which is tiresome and weird.

**Incidentally, Sean Maher? Call me!

Cheating, Bedhopping, Bartending Sluts!

Think about it, Angelina Jolie - is Brad Pitt really such a catch if he's already boinked Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston? Clearly, the man doesn't play hard to get. And look at his exes: Gwyneth knocking around with Ben Affleck (who, lest we forget, is tainted goods himself), and Jennifer having previously been engaged to Tate Donovan...who was engaged to Sandra Bullock...who fooled around with Mathew McConaughey...who's now knocking off Penelope Cruz...who dated Tom Cruise...who's now squiring Katie Holmes...and on and on and on.

It's confusing and messy, and all it will take is one celebrity with one STD, and bam! the whole of Hollywood has herpes. Wait, that's already happened, thanks to manho Joshua Jackson. Speaking of, the celebrity bedhopping is worse than that of the Dawson's Creek set, with its alleged threeways, fourways, highways and byways.

It's all just too complicated for words. Luckily, many millions of years ago, cavemen invented pictures, for just such scenarios as this. When it's too complicated for words...draw funny stick figures on your cave walls in ugly shades of brown and terracotta. Or, as luck (and modern technology) would have it, run a google image search here, a google image search there, and viola! you have yourself a neato Celebrity Love Shag Chart with which to play popular favourite, Trace The Origins of the Genital Warts. Enjoy!

The Key

Relatives

Current or Former Co-Stars

Friends (Current and Former)

Unconfirmed Rumours of Sexcapades

Unofficially Dating

Officially Dating (Publicist Confirmation/Public Appearance)

Used To Date

Broken Engagement

Currently Engaged

Currently Married

Divorced/Divorce Pending

Bearding

Pregnant or Have Children Together

Baby Bennifer Garfleck's Family Tree!

So, we start with the news that:



(As a side note,
)

But carrying on:






(Brad leaves his own random trail of distruction:








)

Where were we? Oh yeah:







(By the by, Penelope leaves her own trail of sexcapades:



)

So, we left off with Pen 'n' Tom, which brings us to:




(That would lead us on a brief tangent to:


)

So anyway,





(Incidentally,

)

Where were we again? Oh yeah:







(Whose own history includes



)

Anyhoo, back to...



(Where do we even start?






and also





Yup, her again!)

Who started that tangent? Oh right, it was:




(Who also
)

But anyway,



(Whilst we're on the subject

!)

As we were:






(And don't even get me started on...

)

So,








(Who has her own scandals:

)

But,



Which brings us right back to where we started, with:
.

The Year Two-Thousand and Fivehead

See what I mean? The same faces over and over and over. And that was without mentioning Renee Zellweger, George Clooney, Drew Barrymore, Salma Hayek, Eminem, Edward Norton and all the other Hollywood serial seducers. All connected somehow, someway, because by law (and by "law" I mean "on the advice of their publicists") they cannot date civilians. So we end up with this tangled mess where poor Baby Bennifer (my money's on "Matt" for a boy, "Jennifer III" for a girl) has a heritage involving Paris Hilton, Wilmer Valderrama, Michael Jackson and Carson Daly. The poor child.

So it's vital that we make more celebrities, and good ones, as soon as possible, to widen the limited gene pool. Because you know what? Cast your eye back over those pictures, and you'll notice an over-abundance of square heads, manly jaws and horrifying Fiveheads. If we don't run interference soon, that is what Hollywood could become. Our own children won't recognise normal foreheads when they see them, having only been exposed to the Hollywood Superhead. Is that what we really want for the future?

If you support Normal-Foreheaded People For a More Celebrity-Filled Hollywood, be sure and call 1-800 555 MOR SLEBS and pledge your donation today! A limited-number of closely-related celebrities are waiting for your call!