Tonight We're Going To Party Like It's...1998?

Let us assume, gentle reader, that The O.C. is a latter-day Dawson's Creek - only where stuff actually happens, and with more attractive actors, and a less twee theme tune. And fewer giant-headed man-freaks.

Based on this assumption then, we can predict the exciting future lives of wide-eyed O.C. starlets by stating exactly what has happened to various Dawson's Creek alumni and replacing the names of the WB actors with the Fox lot and hoping that everyone assumes (so many assumptions!) that I have consulted astrologists and fortune tellers such as Madame Olsen comparing them, scientifically and stuff, to the now pensionable Dawson's Creek cast.

Oh, if you're wondering where You Look Beautiful Like That has been for the last few months, um...well, I certainly wasn't kidnapped by a quasi-religious cult and brainwashed into dumping my loyal management and agent and then impregnated in a ritual ceremony deep in the bowels of a volcano! A ha ha ha ha ha, no indeedy, I was not!

Anyways, let's unwrap this bundle o' fun:

Bows and Arrows, Stars and Sunsets, La La La La La

First up, the aged and withered cast (and that was back in the heady days of 1998, when they didn't wanna wait for their lives to be over!) of Pacey's Creek:

Dawson Leery aka The Beek (Jane Van Der Beek)

The large-headed titular character, whose acts of passive aggression and homoerotic flirtation with his father failed to set the screen alight. The least talented writer-director the world has seen, Dawson Leery will long be remembered for the I Ate Poo face:

The actor who was unfortunate enough to portray this boring waste of screen space, Jane Van Der Beek, will be remembered for...for...someone help a gal out here. I know he got married, which...giggle. Who does he think he's kidding?

Pacey Witter aka Oh, Pacey! (Joshua Jackson)

The world quickly recognised the creator's error in not making the show Pacey's Creek, and teenage girls the world over soon settled down to ignore Dawson and give their hearts to Pacey. In return, Joshua Jackson gave teenage girls the world over...herpes. Since the show, Josh has, variously: spread his herpes far and wide, been briefly engaged to Rosario Dawson, dated a bevy of blonde skanks, and occasionally done some acting.

Joey Potter aka The Girl Who Lived (Kate Cruise)

Joey Potter, a side-talking mouth-breather, somehow managed to have Jack (until he got gay), Pacey, Dawson, and numerous others fighting over her, despite the fact that Katie Holmes (as was) mumbled her way through the role to such an extent that even after five years, I'm still not sure that Joey ever said anything other than "*crazy bug eyes* wzzawzza *shrug* Dawson!" Since the show ended, Katie Holmes rested happily on her laurels, fading into obscurity by getting engaged to the only person duller than she, Chris Klein. Katie Holmes is now dead, long live...Kate Cruise!

Jen Lindley aka What Did She Do To Piss Kevin Williamson Off? (Michelle Williams, No Not The One From Destiny's Child Who Keeps Falling Over)

Possibly the Creek's most well-developed, rounded character, with better hair (let's just pretend season one never happened, mmmkay) than the other female lead, (whose half-brunette half-ginger horror 'do still haunts our dreams), better fashion, better lines and better post-Creek babydaddy, naturally Jen was shafted throughout the series until even the advertising portrayed the show as a three-lead love triangle, with support from Jen 'n' Jack. Michelle Williams gets her revenge by acting in a series of well reviewed art films, getting jiggy with Heath Ledger, and looking beautiful.

Other regular and supporting cast included

Jack McPhee aka I'm Not Gay in Real Life! I Hate The Gays! (Kerr Smith); Mitch Leery aka The Flash (John Wesley Shipp); Gail Leery aka Did Something Die On Her Head? (Mary-Margaret Humes); Andie McPhee aka (Meredith Monroe).

Jack's Hot Gay Kisses! lit up the screen with as much firey chemistry as Teeny Tiny Tom and Katie Holmes have ever mustered, whilst Mitch beat out Dirty Den for best screen death by being killed by an icecream. If anyone has heard a peep out of these guys since, let us know. Maybe we could start a charitable fund for them?

California, Here We Come

Let's now leave The Creek and head down the 101 to The O.C., where we find another group of ageing actors portraying teens and twenty-somethings, only this time with better tans and teeth.

Seth Cohen aka A Tool (Adrian Brody*)

Seth Cohen, a totally geeky comic-lover who just happens to dress in non-vintage vintage-style t-shirts whilst showing no signs of acne or bowl-haircuts or other geek afflictions, is, according to many, the new Pacey Witter. Obviously those of us who remain loyal to Pacey are aware of the inaccuracy and lunacy of this statement. Given that Seth is the least talented artist since, well, Dawson Leery, and suffers a similar passive aggressive affliction (though we have yet to see, and I dread the day, a Seth Poo face), it is clear that Seth Cohen is the Dawson Leery of the show. And thus we can look forward to Adam Brody disappearing into obscurity sometime around..now, please?

*This is a joke.

Marissa Cooper aka A Cardboard Cutout (A Twiglet)

Resident side-talker, mouth-breather, bad-posturer and mumbler Marissa Cooper would have got on fabulously with Joey Potter, if either of them had self esteem or loyalty or any nice and attractive qualities. If we close our eyes and wish real hard, she might go away. Damn. Mischa Barton has become, well not popular, but well-regarded among snotty bitches for being the snottiest bitch of them all. With any luck, by the time the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage is through (5 years, if rumour is to be believed, and isn't it always?), Mischa will be ready, willing and able (read: good candidate for Xenu to fill her with thetans and brainwash her, or whatever it is the magical volcano of happy vitamins does) to become Mrs Tom Cruise IV.

Ryan Atwood aka Have You Seen His Arms? (Benjamin McKenzie)

As the new boy in the neighbourhood, and the only blond, it's clear the oh-so-bad Ryan Atwood is like a brother to the oh-so-bad Jen Lindley. And thus, if we are lucky, we can look forward to Benjamin McKenzie making many obscure art films and impregnating a slightly unattractive but semi-popular actress out of wedlock, and wander around looking more attractive than his male co-star on a regular basis. Hooray for Hollywood!

Summer Roberts aka McNuggety (Rachel Bilson)

Summer, initially a comic afterthought character played by the slightly oogly-faced Rachel Bilson, is our only true candidate for the O.C.'s version of Pacey. She's cute, witty, looks slutty and can deliver a line, which Sethmumbleymumbley and Marissawazzaduzzawazza fail to do on a weekly basis. YLBLT is aware that, by casting Seth as Dawson and Summer as Pacey, and what with the Seth-Summer (and Adam-Rachel!) relationship, it could be inferred that we are suggesting some sort of Dawson-Pacey liaison, but we're not. That would be icky. Any sex involving Dawson is icky, in fact.

Regular and supporting cast includes everyone's favourite space hooker, Julie Cooper-Nichol (Melinda Clarke), everyone's favourite Incredible Acting Eyebrows, Sandy Cohen (Peter Gallagher), and Kirsten Cohen (Kelly Rowan).

Will our California babes randomly leave the creek beach and move somewhere else entirely for the final seasons, thus rendering the title and theme of the show null and void and inviting cancellation?

So there you have it. The comparisons are hard to draw, mostly because I want everyone I like to be Pacey and Jen, and I am wont to tar those I hate with the unfortunate brush of Dawson, but on the whole I think we can agree that Dawson's Creek + tans, tits, teeth and plot = The O.C., and therefore we can look forward to, in five years time:

• An OC finale show set 8 years in the future, when Ryan dies, Seth remains alone FOREVER!!!11!1! to run his comic empire, and Marissa and Summer pair off after returning to the OC for Kirsten's wedding to Jimmy.
• An OC-film star liaison plus pregnancy (attractive)
• An OC-film star cult brainwashing plus pregnancy (freakish and disturbing)
• An OC bearding marriage, desperate attempt to revive ailing career, and obscurity (much cackling laughter from me)
• An OC slutting it up around the world, cheerily spreading STDs and happiness to women everywhere (I would put my money on Benjamin McKenzie for this role, but due to heigh restrictions he's not allowed on aeroplanes without an adult to supervise)

Place your bets now! And congratulations to Michelle Williams (again, not The One Beyonce Keeps Pushing Over From Destiny's Child) on the birth of daughter Matilda Rose!