Britney, Baby -- One More Time!

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it, apparently.

And what is Kevin Federline but a barely-educated flea? Yes, ladies and germs, I write, of course, of divorce. Or Dee Eye Vee Oh Aargh See Eee, as Tammy Wynette would have it.

Just as spring is the season when a young man's fancy turns to love, autumn-winter seems to be the time for young and old, rich and poor, beauties and beasts, to turn to one another and deliver those heartfelt words..."get the fuck out of my house, you low-down dirty scheming double-crossing &*$@*&!!!!". It's almost...touching.

Where every article on the hilarious Mills-McCartney split must be headlined "All You Need is Love?" or similar, any mention of Britney Spears kicking her dead weight to the curb must be accompanied with puns on the subject of "Oops...I Got Divorced Again" or "Divorce Me Baby...One More Time".

All Britney herself has to say on the subject is...well, sadly there is no official pop princess quote on the matter on her website, but there is a very nice picture of a tiger that occasionally pulsates to reveal a very nice picture of La Spears, and whilst I'm not entirely sure of the deeper meaning, it's good to know that Britney is still, um...queen of the jungle and likes cats.

Or possibly she's going for a "tiger, tiger, burning bright, Kevin ain't getting my money, it's locked up tight" theme. Thank goodness that she found time in her busy schedule of Cheeto eating, pot smoking and knock-upping to get herself a water-tight pre-nup. Although of course K-Fed's impending poverty may yet inspire him to glom onto yet another nubile, mildly stupid, fertile young Hollywood star. (Note to Lindsay: I know you like 'em sleazy -- I speak here of the Valderrama years -- but...run, don't walk.)

In any case, who cares what Kevin does next? He's toxic and Britney's no longer a slave 4 him! She's no longer a girl but she's definitely now a woman, if one can deem anyone a woman who chooses to end her relationship by text message.... Oh, whatever: sing Hallelujah! Sing Overprotected! Sing ...One More Time! Put on your tightest PVC catsuit, your tackiest hair extensions and make the dumbest facial expression you can, in celebration, all right!

This can only mean a glorious return to power: killer abs, skimpy outfits, giant snakes, identikit pop tunes, and, um...that other stuff Britney used to do. Matching denim formalwear with her beau! Too bad that ship has sailed, but er...pop videos! And...skimpy outfits! And...okay, mostly she was just about the skimpy outfits.

It's just been so long since Britney's done anything but sport bad weaves and eat junk food I've forgotten just why she was so fab in the first place. Were the abs really that great?



Yes. Yes they were. Oh, Britney. Welcome back. Please keep the current boobies (I can no longer rely on Lindsay to fly the boob flag, so it's on you), regain the killer abs, and come out with a super pop record. I see you've started combing your hair and grinning like a fool once more, which is all for the good, but baby steps, baby steps. Don't console yourself in the arms of Colin Farrell again, nor yet have another quickie Vegas wedding. Steer clear of crisps, chips, pretzels, cheetos, in fact any snack food that comes in a giant bag. Most of all, don't let the haterz stop you from doing your thang.

Is there something in the water? Reese and Ryan are kaput (who would've thunk that blond muppet would kiss goodbye to his gravy train so quickly?), the true-love story of Heather'n'Paul has come to a tragic end, and Britney and Kevin are no longer Chaotic - perhaps she just could not handle his truth. (Yes, I went there.) Is it divorce season? There have been few celeb pregnancy or wedding announcements recently. Perhaps it's easier to move in packs with these things -- you have your awards season, your sweeps season, your "oh, my fabulous new body? I eat burgers and never exercise, 'candids' on the beach season", and now your pregnancy season, your death season, and this current, the divorce season.

It helps to have someone share the attention (because we all know celebrities love to share that spotlight -- let no-one in Hollywood bogart the Us Weekly cover!), so when things turn ugly (yes, Lady Macbeth-Mills-McCartney, the world is pointing its ginormous collective finger at you) the next warring couple can step up to the plate; but better yet, it means that the minute you find yourself suddenly single, so do your fellow celebrities. I'm not entirely fond of the idea of a Britney-Paul McCartney union, but if really, truly, all you need is love, I see no reason why those crazy kids couldn't work something out.