Beans, Beans, Good For Your Heart...

So everyone's favourite stuttering Englishman-cum-latter day cinematic bad boy, Hugh Grant, has been arrested.

We won't quibble with what he allegedly said:

"I hope your kids die of fucking cancer. Do you know who I am? I'm a millionaire."

because it's nasty whatever way you shape it. But we can happily examine the other facts about the incident, viz. the baked beans.


Usually, when one throws edible foodstuffs at another party, the food in question is either a cream pie, a la clown fun everywhere, or rotten fruit. But...baked beans?

Um...



It's just not rock'n'roll, is it? Now, rock'n'roll might not be the first thing you associate with Hugh, but that's simply because his made-him-a-star role was as a bumbling tit. Followed by any number of bumbling tit roles. But he played a Dirty Bastard (the type of man who'd shag you against the wall but you could still take him home to meet your mother) in About a Boy, Bridget Jones, the second Bridget Jones, that funny American Idol pisstake thang with Mandy Moore... The man has gotten away with murder in his entire public life based purely on his first major role.

This is a man who got arrested FOR BLOWJOBS as far back as 1995:

yet we still think of him as 'what ho, bumbling Hughsie'.

Personally, I think arrested-for-hooker-BJ is sorta rock'n'roll. (Although the striped polo shirt he was wearing at the time is not.) So I expected more from Hugh on his first Public Breakdown. (I am secretly hoping he will make a statement blaming alcoholism or Kim Basinger, as seems to be every celebrity's favourite defence.) Why couldn't he have thrown a punch? Or popped a cap in the photographer's arse? Or kicked him kung-fu style, instead of the Knees Up Mother Brown footsie-style kicks he delivered?

Instead, the man throws breakfast foods. From a tupperware. What next? Will Colin Firth hurl some Pillsbury Dough - removed from the tube and kept in a baggie - at a photog? Perhaps Johnny Depp will fling a couple of croissants at waiting paparazzi, or Jake Gyllenhaal will take to carrying around Tupperwares of cornflakes.

The thing is...there's no reason to have a Tupperware full of beans, other than to hurl at the pavarottis. If you have beans with you, they'd be in a tin, surely? You come back from the shops, tin of beans and a newspaper in hand, maybe a packet of fags if that's the way you roll. Or if you're on the way to a friend's barbeque, and they call you and say, "hey, we have no beans - can you bring some" you similarly would go to your cupboard and fetch a tin. Grant was returning home from a jog, so....why did he have a tin of baked beans? Is this his jogging snack? Is 'cold beans' the new celebrity fad diet? Or - dun dun DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN - was this a pre-meditated attack? These are the questions the police should be asking, don'tcha think?