Who's Your Daddy?!

Alec Baldwin, the most famous and least tragic of all the Baldwin brothers (not actually much of an achievement, but we take what we can get), except Adam which doesn't count because they're not related and merely share a surname, left a mean message on his daughter's voicemail.



This tragic news beats all tragic news, both celebrity and real-life, into a cocked hat! All celebrities are perfect, with perfect lives and natural good looks and awesomely shiny hair, so it is naturally quite disturbing to witness a crack in their perfect facade.

Did he call his daughter 'sugar tits'? Did he yell racial slurs? Did he blame the Jews for everything? Did he flash his vagina hither and thither? Was his Blackberry hacked? Nay, nay -- he called his teenage daughter rude. I know. Somebody hold me, please.

Here it is in full.

The transcript (or bits of it) (thanks to What Would Tyler Durden Do?):

"I wanna leave a message for you right now because again it's 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday
...
I go and I make that phone call at eleven-o-clock in the morning in New York and if you don't pick up the phone at ten-o-clock at night and you don't even have that god damn phone turned on.
...
I don't give a damn if you're 12-years-old, or 11-years-old, or that you're a child,
...
So you better be ready Friday, the 20th, to meet with me so I'm gonna let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude thoughtless little pig, okay."

Reasons Why Alec is a Great Dad

Adorably Scatterbrained

He doesn't know how old his kid is. 11? Or 12? Which is it? Who knows? My own parents have guessed everything from 19 to 29 when trying to remember my age: it's every parent's duty to be adorably scatterbrained!

He Can Control the Space-Time Continuum

More from the adorably scatterbrained category: Alec has to make his phone-call at 11 o'clock. The message begins, "it's 10:30 here in New York". Oh, Alec. Alec, Alec, Alec. You're a half-hour early! Ireland probably has her phone switched off and charging to make sure she has 100% battery power for your call! Silly Alec.

Also, he calls at 11.00 am. Ireland picks up the phone at 10.00 pm. He's in New York City. Let's use this handy reference to work out where Ireland could be, for such a time difference!
If it's 11.00 am in New York, and Ireland (the person, not the country, silly!) is eleven hours ahead (remember, it's 10pm when the lil' scamp picks up the phone - or doesn't, as on this occasion) -- she's currently living in Calcutta!

Teenage Kicks

Let's all cast our collective mind back to our teenage years... In the mindset yet? Try slicking on a little Bonne Bell Lip Smacker, cranking up New Kids on the Block on the stereo, sneaking a sip of vodka from your parents' cabinet, and stuffing tissue in your bra. Ready?

Mummmmmmmm...daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad....like, oh my god, you're like, sooooooooo embarrassing. I hate you! I didn't ask to be born!

Stomp foot, slam door, cry!

Ugh, I like, can't just answer the phone, I've got really important things to do, okaaaaaaaaaay? Like, Kevin told Alice that that slag Judy Fitzpatrick totally let the football team feel her up behind the bike sheds, even though she KNOWS I like George, so whatever, I can't believe this and anyway, I have to go shoplift lipgloss in Woolworths for Friday night's disco.

My parents, adorable scamps that they too are, called me rude and thoughtless on a daily basis from aged ten to twenty. Wanna know why? I was. Here's a sample convo:

Bring bring! (telephone noise)
Me: Hello?
Mummy: Hello, it's your mother. Can you put some baked potatoes in the oven?
Me: What, now? Are they already picked out and washed and stuff?
Mummy: No, just find five potatoes, give 'em a quick scrub and pop them in the oven.
Me: Ugh, that'll take ages. Neighbours is on. I cleaned my room last month, why are you always picking on meeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Mummy: Fine, DON'T then!
Click, brrrrrrrrrrrrr. (hanging up on me noises)

MY OWN FLESH-&-BLOOD MOTHER HUNG UP ON ME!!!11!1!!!1! Alec Baldwin ain't got nothin' on that.

He Shows No Fear in the Face of Technology

Since my teenage years are now over, and slap bracelets, knock-off Wonderbras from the market, whore shoes and glittery eyeliner are no longer part of my wardrobe, my phone calls with my parents are much improved.

However, I rarely answer the phone because 24 and Heroes are more important than phone calls. When confronted with voicemail, this is the kind of message my dad leaves:

Hello? Hell-ooooo? Hell-oooo? Is this your phone? Helloooo? I think this is your answer-phone. This is your daddy, leaving a message on your answer-phone. Will you know I've left you a message? Anyway, I am. Hellooooo?

Baldwin gets kudos for at least understanding he'd got the machine.

Babe

Pigs are cute:

The only thing cuter than that is Knut - it would even have been okay for Alec to call his kid a cunt, because that means "adorable German polar bear cub"!

Other People Are Worse At Parenting

Alec Baldwin is totally hot, which is not a defence but it is a fact. Also, he didn't ask his daughter to make out with him for free tickets!

Disclaimer: the following video will scar your very soul. YLBLT holds no responsibility for your committing hara-kiri after viewing.